i wish i could stop biting my nails

in the summer of 2021 or maybe 2022 i was sitting on the grass with blake and he said he bit his nails as a nervous thing, like when he was anxious. this is stereotypically why people bite their nails. i said i did it when i was bored and i didn't know myself well enough to know that i was lying. 

in 2024 i painted my nails a lot. i got a polish with flecks of white and black that was otherwise clear and it worked well because it stayed on for a while. i did red for a vampire party when it was halloween and redid it a couple times. it worked but the habit didn't stick. i have very clear memories of scraping it off in my art history class. that probably was because i was bored.

it's really not fun to bite my nails. it's not a satisfying activity. sometimes a bit breaks and then i have to bite them to fix them. but it doesn't fix them, it's worse, and eventually it gets to a point where i can't bite them anymore and i have to get out clippers to fix them when they're barely even long enough to cut. not that cutting them makes them smooth and even either.

i tried filing my nails for a while, but i hated the way it felt. when i was a kid i would scream and cry about getting my nails cut. i don't remember what my mother did about it.

i think i have fairly weak nails. they always have those weird little white spots in them, my cuticles are kind of a mess, it's all around not super cute. even if i didn't bite my nails, i don't understand how people get theirs to look as good as they do. 

in february, i tried to keep a list of every time i bit my nails. there are 2 entries on the list, 4 days apart. 

i think guitarists are supposed to have consistent, nice fingernails, but i'm probably not good enough at guitar for that to matter. maybe if i get good at fingernails i'll be better at guitar. or the other way around.